“Do you remember at Melissa’s birthday after we kissed? I stayed in my room and I waited for you for hours. I felt paralyzed by the idea that you were close by and you might come back. I have this impulse to be available to you all the time.”
i look better in my eyes and the eyes of others when i’m skinny
i feel more confident when my weight is lower
i will never accept being at a higher weight
i feel guilt and regret whenever i eat or spend money on food
i want this
i don’t have body dysmorphia anymore. i can see that i’m healthy, but i want to be skinny. i will work towards it and appreciate my progress for what it is
sleep is better than dinner
skip dinner wake up thinner
i get more compliments and attention when i’m thin
i can make people fall in love more easily when i’m thin
eating is a chore. i’m not hungry. i do not want to eat. i do not want gross, greasy, fatty foods. i want to be in control. i want to be perfect. i want to be delicate. i want to be thin. i will be thin.
this binging has to stop. i want to be skinny and delicate for my birthday, for the summer. i want to be graceful in swimsuits, slim in fitted shirts, thin in shorts.
how i treat my body right now is absurd. i want one thing but i definitely don’t act like it. i need to own up to it i don’t put in the effort. i want to put in the effort. i want to be better. i don’t want to keep saying i’ll do “good” the next day and then turn around and eat as if i don’t have forty pounds to lose. i just need at least ten a month. i can do this. i want to do this.
just have one good day… then two… then three… then a week… habits are hard to make but once they start…
i can do this. i will do this. i am in control. that is a FACT. i am the one who decides what goes into my body, what exercises i do. am i going to continue to decide to put fattening foods and calories in my body? no. i am going to make the right decision. am i going to avoid working out because i don’t want to? no, because i do want to work out. i want to eat as little as possible and complete my work outs. something needs to change.
or my future, my self love, my happiness will continue to go down the drain. i still have time. I WILL NOT FUCK THIS UP
